| PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE:
An Introduction
Whether you have just been diagnosed or have been living with
AIDS or HIV for a long time, planning now for your children’s future
is both necessary and important. This handbook was written to help
make this process as smooth and worry-free as possible.
As you plan for the future, you should also be prepared for the
difficult feelings involved. Just being a parent with HIV or AIDS
is hard enough. You may feel scared about the future, but at the
same time, you have to calm your own family’s fears. You may feel
sick or tired, but at the same time, you have to care for your children’s
needs: feed them, clothe them, get them off to school. “Being HIV
positive, being a mother — it’s not an easy job,” said one Queens
mom.
Only you can make decisions about what is best for you and your
children.Facing the Future explains the legal options that
will help you carry out these choices. Before you decide about the
arrangements for the care of your children, you should speak to
friends, family, social workers, clergy — whomever you rely on to
help you make important choices in your life. There also may be
people in your life who do not know about your HIV status. You will
have to think about whether you need to tell them in order for your
plans to be carried out.
Thinking about who will care for your children may upset you. If
you feel healthy, it may make you think about getting sick. “I felt
that it meant that I was going to die soon — that it would put me
closer,” said one woman who recently drew up a will. “But that was
just my own fears — I know that now.” You may worry about whether
your children will receive the kind of care you’d like, and whether
they can stay together. As a parent, you will also have to help
your children deal with their own fears of losing you, about upheaval
in their lives, and fears about their future guardians.
This section will explain some of the questions you should ask
yourself and the issues that will arise as you read this handbook.
It will start you thinking about choosing a guardian, formalizing
your wishes, and preparing for the transition to your child’s new
caretaker.
You should also talk to a lawyer who can tell you about your legal
options and put what you want on paper. There are many legal agencies
listed in the back of this handbook that provide free legal assistance.
Choosing a Guardian
Thinking about who will raise your children if you are unable to
can be a difficult decision. You want a loving home for them, and
you will have to examine people you know to see if they would be
good parents. You may know several people who would be good parents,
and it may be difficult to choose among them.
If your children’s other parent is alive and involved in your children’s
lives, that person would normally become the guardian. But if that
person is abusive, has abandoned the children, or is unfit, you
will want to pick another caretaker.
Think carefully about your choice. Does the person you are considering
want to raise your children and do they get along with them? Do
they have the energy and resources to raise your child? (There are
ways to get financial help for your child - see below.) Do they
have friends and family who can help them out? Does that person
share your philosophy of child-raising? Will the person respect
your wishes? How do your children get along with the person? What
do your children think?
Talking with your own family may help you make your choice and
gain your family’s support. “I discussed [it] with both my sisters
and between the three of us we made the decision of who is going
to have the guardianship,” said an HIV-positive parent. “We all
feel it’s the right thing to do — we made the decision together.”
Sometimes your choice will upset members of your family who were
not chosen, and you should be prepared to talk it out with them,
so they don’t challenge your decision later.
If no one comes to mind who could care for your child, try discussing
the issue with family and friends. They may have some ideas you
never thought of. Your kids, if they are old enough, may have ideas
and can help you decide who would be a good parent. If there is
no one in your life who can raise your children, you can get help
from one of the agencies.
Formalizing Your Wishes
It is important to put your wishes in writing. One of the best
ways of putting your wishes in writing is by making a will. Many
people think drawing up a will is about distributing your property
upon death. “I thought only rich people made out wills, but I’ve
learned a lot of things since I had this virus,” one mother with
AIDS said. “It’s a natural thing to do.” In fact, a will is a document
where you state your wishes for what you’d like to see happen upon
your death, including naming who will care for your children.
“I’ve seen a few people get sick and they didn’t take care of this
— it was left in other people’s hands,” said one woman who sought
help from a lawyer. “Don’t wait until you’re sick,” cautioned another
parent. “Do the papers now, while you’re well.” That way, you will
be making these important decisions when you are feeling well so
that you can clearly think through what is best for you and your
children.
Writing up a will may not be enough for you to put in place your
wishes concerning the future care of your children. You have many
other choices, including going to court. Facing the Future
explains these choices. As you read through the handbook, you may
want to think about the following questions to help you decide which
option makes the most sense for you and your children. Are you sick
or healthy? Do you need to make immediate arrangements for your
children, or are you planning for a future time when you will no
longer be able to care for them? Are you comfortable giving up most
of your legal rights as a parent now, or would you rather wait?
Would you feel better knowing the court has made a decision now,
or do you prefer to state your wishes now, and let the courts make
the decisions later?
Will your chosen caretaker need the financial help that would be
available to them as a foster parent? Is this help necessary considering
the fact that the New York City Department of Social Services —
not the family member or friend you may have chosen — would then
be the legal custodian and be able to make decisions about your
child’s care, or even remove your child from the home you’ve chosen?
Would it make you feel at ease to have your child adopted, a permanent
decision that can almost never be altered by the courts? Are you
ready to give up all legal rights to your child, including the right
to make decisions about their schools, their religious training,
even where they live? Do your children need legal status as U.S.
citizens?
Preparing for the Transition
Once you have chosen a guardian for your children, you should think
about talking to the guardian about how you would like the children
to be raised. “My mom and I talk almost every day — whatever comes
up,” said the Queens mother who chose her son’s godmother to be
the guardian. “She’s been there 100% for me — if I’m not feeling
well she comes and picks him up and takes him to her house. When
I get depressed, she’s there — when I get stressed out, she’s there.”
It may be good for your child to spend more time with their future
guardian. “After we had decided the guardianship, it became more
important for me to have a closer interaction with my niece and
nephew,” said one aunt preparing to raise her sister’s children.
“It was a step to the transition that would occur in terms of the
children coming to live with us.”
As you read the pages that follow, don’t be shy about asking questions
of your lawyer, your counselor, or your friends. For many of you,
this will be the first time you’ve filled out a legal document,
spoken to a lawyer, or appeared in court. No question is unimportant.
It’s important to get all of your questions answered so that you
can make the best decision for yourself and your children. Talk
to other parents who are going through the process so you can support
and help each other. It takes a lot of courage to plan now for your
children’s future. We encourage you to go at your own pace and to
seek advice in making these difficult decisions. Remember, you are
not alone.
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© 2003 Gay Men's Health Crisis
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