| Lesbians and HIV: Multigenerational
Dual Disclosure
Interview by Robin Garber-Kabalkin
Coordinator, Lesbian AIDS Project, Women & Family Services Department
Lesbian mothers are often faced with the difficult decision about
whether or not to disclose their sexual orientation to their children.
We worry about the ramifications that sharing this information will
have for them. When lesbian mothers are HIV positive as well, the
issues are even more complicated. But complicated does not mean
impossible, and, in fact, studies have shown that coming out or
disclosing both a mother's sexual orientation, and her HIV status
can be an important, therapeutic experience for the whole family.1
Yet knowing this doesn't necessarily make the decision to disclose
or the process of doing it any easier. Studies have shown that for
many women contemplating HIV disclosure, telling their children
was the hardest decision they had to make.2
HIV+ mothers worry about stigma and societal rejection. They are
also concerned about having to discuss how they acquired the disease
with their children. There is no clear-cut answer as to whether
to disclose or not. Ultimately, the decision is a personal one made
by the mother herself.
Some of us are already or will become lesbian grandmothers. As
grandmothers, we again face the question of disclosure - of our
sexual orientation and of our HIV status - to yet another generation
of children whom we love. We revisit many of the same considerations,
grapple with many of the same decisions all over again. And yet,
while much of the process is the same, it can also have elements
that are very different. The following interview with Marilyn Otero,
an HIV positive lesbian grandmother, gives us some insight into
the issues and questions that face HIV positive lesbian grandmothers
as they consider multigenerational disclosure.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: How did the issue of multigenerational
disclosure come about for you?
Marilyn: Well, I have this beautiful little grandson
and I felt that my daughter wasn't letting me see him. It was miscommunication
on both our parts and it took some time for us to work it out. Some
of it was about my sexual orientation, and some of it was about
the way I thought she felt. We had to talk about it and learn to
understand each other.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: And now?
Marilyn: Now it's good. It's just that when you
have a grandchild, both you and your daughter have to decide how
you are going to be with him.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: Marilyn, how old was your
daughter when you told her about your sexual orientation? How did
it happen?
Marilyn: She was about twenty. Well, before I
told her, there were lots of rumors, I'm sure. She had seen me in
Puerto Rico with women, but I had never told her directly. My family
noticed that I was always with aggressive women, and never with
men. They would talk about it, but not to me. My daughter asked
me this one time why I didn't marry this man who had asked me to
marry him. And I couldn't ignore her questions any more. I just
told her that I couldn't, that I don't have those kinds of feelings
for men and I can't force myself to be in a relationship with a
man. I told her that I love women, that I'm a lesbian.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: What was her reaction?
Marilyn: Well, my daughter told me that she didn't
approve, she didn't like it. She is a very religious Christian and
she believes that gay people will go to hell. When I told her, I
was already in the relationship that I am still in now.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: Marilyn, you said earlier
that your partner has a child? How did she find out about your sexual
orientation?
Marilyn: Yes. I told my partner's daughter when
she was six. Well, she is very bright and curious. She was always
watching us and one day, she saw me kiss her mother. She came to
me and said, "I saw you. I saw you kiss my Mommy." So I told her.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: What did you tell her?
Marilyn: I told her that I was a lesbian and that
the word lesbian means that I am a woman who loves other women.
I told her that some women love men and some women love women and
they are called lesbians. I told her that being a lesbian is not
bad, just different. Now she tells people that she has two mommies
and she gets angry when people say bad things about gay people.
She loves being with me in lesbian and gay environments. She is
very comfortable.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: How is this different from
your daughter?
Marilyn: Well, I think that if I had my daughter
living with me when she was younger, I would probably have told
her sooner. In fact, I'm sure I would have.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: What about telling your
grandson? What do you think you will say to him?
Marilyn: Well, he's still pretty young. He spends
time with me and my lover. My daughter even wants my lover to braid
his hair, so that means even more time together. But we are careful
to not be overly affectionate in front of him. Still, at some point,
he's going to notice and ask questions. When he asks me, I'm going
to tell him the truth. It's very important to tell kids the truth.
I'll tell him that I am a lesbian. He won't know what the word means,
so I will tell him that lesbians are women loving each other. I'll
explain that some people love people of the opposite sex and some
people love people of the same sex, and I happened to love someone
of the same sex. And I'll ask him, "Am I still your grandmother?
Do I still love you? Do you still love me?" I think he's going to
agree because if somebody loves you, they are supposed to accept
you the way you are. He's my grandson and he loves me. I have to
help him understand. But that's part of being his grandmother.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: Tell us about when you
told your daughter about your HIV status. How did she react?
Marilyn: Well, I told her that I had taken the
test and it had come back positive. I told her that I was scared.
We both cried, and she told me that she loved me and that wouldn't
change. She said that I had to take good care of myself and stay
as healthy as possible.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: Did she ask you how you
got HIV?
Marilyn: Well, she did ask me if I knew who I
got it from, but she is aware of my drug use history so she didn't
really ask me a lot of questions about it. Still, she did say, "Mommy,
maybe if you hadn't used drugs and had a different sort of life,
you wouldn't have gotten it." I said it was true, but I did what
I did and now I have to take care of myself so that I can stay as
healthy as possible.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: How does she feel about
you telling your grandson about your HIV status?
Marilyn: We haven't really discussed it yet. Maybe
because he's so young.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: What do you think will
happen when he gets older?
Marilyn: When the time comes, I'll tell him that
I have an illness that has no cure. I'll tell him that Grandma has
to take good care of herself, has to eat healthy.....
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: How old do you think he'll
be when you tell him?
Marilyn: I don't really know. If, God forbid,
I get sick, then for sure I know I'll have to tell him. But I have
to wait until I think he's old enough to understand. Maybe ten,
unless I get sick before.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: What are some of the reasons
that first kept you from disclosing your sexual orientation to your
children?
Marilyn: Well, people gossip. I thought maybe
that I didn't want the kids to have to deal with other people's
meanness. But the truth is that even if your children are upset
at first, they get over it because they love you and you are their
mother.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: Were there reasons to not
disclose about your HIV status?
Marilyn: Yes. I was afraid of being neglected.
I was afraid that people wouldn't want to come near me because they
are ignorant about how the virus is passed. I was afraid that people
would point at me and whisper behind my back.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: But you told your children
anyway. Why?
Marilyn: I told my children because they were
the closest to me and they were worried and scared when they saw
me getting sick a lot. I have to say that I got a load off my chest
when I did that. I was starting to feel guilty about keeping such
a big secret from them. They are my heart. They needed to know the
truth and not have to keep guessing.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: What advice would you give
other lesbian mothers and grandmothers who are HIV positive about
disclosing to their children and grandchildren?
Marilyn: No matter whether you are lesbian, HIV
positive, you should always be honest with your children. They may
be shocked at first, but they will come around. It's better for
them to hear it from you, with love, than from someone else. When
they hear it from someone else, they feel ashamed. I think it's
better when children hear it from the mother. They will appreciate
you being honest. It's better when you do it, because you decide
exactly how it's being done.
Robin Garber-Kabalkin: What about the grandchildren?
Marilyn: Have your children help you to decide
when and how. Their children need to be treated with the same respect
and honesty. But you should do it. It is your information, your
story, your love. I advise women to be honest, to say the truth,
not to be scared. The only thing people can do is talk. It's just
talk. People always find something to talk about, no matter what.
Once you say the truth, everything comes back together.
We wish to acknowledge that telling one's truth is often a difficult
task. It is therefore with a deep sense of gratitude that the Lesbian
AIDS Project thanks Marilyn Otero for her truth, her courage, her
honesty and her wisdom. In sharing these insights with us, she has
given us all a remarkable gift.
References
1. Human Rights Campaign Foundation, National Coming Out Project
Homepage
www.hrc.org/ncop/guide
2. "Various Issues & Decisions Faced by HIV+ Mothers,"
www.encc.edu; BM__Hlt31512108
© 2003 Gay Men's Health Crisis
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